ill never ever be good enough for anyone i guess. And i never wanted someone as badly as i want you. 

September 30th

After my last relationship I can honestly tell you i never thought I would be in love with anyone ever again. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now I don’t know if it’s love or lust or what. All i know is that I’m not getting the same thing back. I crave to go back to the way i used to be, no feelings was so much better than feeling everything so deeply like I am now. It really, truly, is better to be heartless than to be heartbroken. There’s a pain inside of me that just will not go away. YOu were the one who made me feel again. I remember every single one of our kisses. I remember you being the first one to ever let me behind a wheel. The first time you kissed me I felt something that i hadn’t felt since my ex boyfriend. But i still thought it was just a hookup, but you showed me that feelings aren’t always bad. I cared, i care so much about you. The night I came back and we spent in my room together was perfect I had never felt so safe or so wanted in my life and I cry as a write this because I miss that. I miss you calling me baby all the time I miss you running after me at work just to catch up with me by the dumpster and helping out just to kiss me. In the hospital i thought about you so much and how much you had changed me for the better I may seem obsessed maybe I’m in love idek at this point. But as soon as i got out of the hospital, things went downhill. I wanted you more than ever but i couldnt  have you idk if you went back to your ex or whatever but she was your bff on snapchat. But i went to visit work and you told me you missed me and you kissed me and it was great. Then you hurt me again by never coming to my house when i asked you to when i had prepared everyhting lol i even went out to buy stuff and bake. YOu tried to distance yourself you even told me that and i told you to leave i told you all the time to leave if you werent happy but you insisted on staying. The only thing is if you were so insistent on staying, why talk to other girls i think at his point i rather have not known that you wanted “your options open” bc now that i can actually feel i know that it hurts. It hurts really really bad and it aches its an actual pain inside my chest of the fact that ill never be able to be good enough for you that ill never make you happy that all this is jsut an allusion in my head you didnt want me you wanted me as a side. you made me so happy this past weekend and now it just crashed. idk ive prayed so much to keepp you in my life and i hope god is seeing me as i write this right now, he knows how much i need you he knows how much i want to help you and he knows how much you help me. I just hope like all the other times ive prayed for you to stay and it worked, that this time it continues to work and you can decide if you want me or not. I want you so badly that it physically hurts and i wish you felt the same for me but the truth is if you did you wouldnt have to have options you would just choose me. But of course im always second choice, thats how its always been…

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